Why Meeting Women Can Seem Counter-intuitive
This is a post my intern Calum wrote:
As men, we see hundreds, if not thousands of women every single day. Not to mention tonnes of socially energised girls whenever we go to a bar or club. The issue is, over the past few thousand years, our society has been ingrained with an introverted psychology based on experiences and motives unrelated to our human instincts. This has resulted in many men being too shy or too proud or too anxious to explore these female counterparts with whom we cross paths. But in the words of Bob Dylan – ” The times they are a changin’ “. The beauty for us in the Western world is that in creating equal opportunities and equal rights, we have, in a lot of ways, begun to reignite that sexual goldmine. Men are now valuing women (and rightly so) as intelligent, creative beings as opposed to as sex objects, mothers and housewives. This new found equality can be misinterpreted as meaning that our brains work in the same way, which they definitely don’t. This misguided perception makes it all the more difficult for men to understand women.
A key issue faced in learning the art of ‘pickup’ is that it’s something of a taboo subject. It is, or at least has been, widely perceived to be an underhand method for men to coax copious women into bed under false pretences. However, with the world we inhabit becoming more cosmopolitan every day, we seem to finally be accepting that with equal rights and opportunities in everything else, why should women have the option of agony aunts and problem pages for dating advice, while men remain condemned to discover the path of sexuality alone? Pickup is teaching guys to communicate competently with the opposite sex and, as far as I can see, men learning to interact genuinely, comfortably and attractively with women is nothing but beneficial for all parties.
It’s all very well me blabbering on about where society has been and where it’s going, but without up-rooting unproductive habits and sourcing more fruitful ones, attempts to realign your behaviour are futile. So where does this sexual estrangement come from?
Let’s start with school. At school we learned maths, english, art, science – bla bla bla, right? Well, yes, we did learn all those things. But we also learned a large chunk of our social responses and behaviours there. Many of us were trained to believe that standing out from the crowd creates unfavourable response from our peers. After all, almost every one of us has teased or been teen teased for being the fat kid, the short kid, the kid with the ankle bashers, the kid with the hat, even the guy who hangs out with girls! Through that repeated experience, we create in our heads an idea that it’s better to fit in with the crowd, to do what everyone else does. Now this is a useful response when it results in avoidance of bullying or teasing at school, but as adults it can cause a downward spiral into mediocrity. The vast majority of the men (and women for that matter) I cross paths with, sacrifice being true to themselves in order to be true to what they feel society expects. This is not a quality which will raise your appeal with women! On the contrary, more or less all women want a man to think for himself.
Next up, media. That one thing we’d all like to be a less influential part of our lives but one none of us can evade altogether. How often do you hear the story “I met an awesome girl and now I’m not stressed” or “I slept with an amazing guy and now we’re best friends”? Yet rapists, murderers and perverts (much rarer occurrences) are an every day tale. Now this obviously makes women more safety conscious around strange men, but more than that it makes men much more fearful of how we could be interpreted if we manifest a true representation of our sexual desires. How many times do you hear talk at a bar or workplace about such and such being a pervert? Ok, it’s all fun and games in that context but it still ingrains the belief that those thoughts or instincts are unacceptable. Since modern media and their powerful influence on our psyche in relation to this field would require an article in itself, for now, suffice to say that it is a heavily contributing factor in the suppression of both male and female sexuality.
Now for the hairy topic, religion. Before I continue I’d like to make it perfectly clear that I believe religions around the world do, in the most part, broadcast very positive messages and that faith and spirituality are some of the most wonderful human capacities. But; branding women who thought for themselves as witches? No sex before marriage? Whatever else these things may or may not have achieved, they definitely don’t help men and women to relate to one another. This may not seem all that relevant right now as most of today’s Western populous has long since deserted the idea of celibacy till wed. And trying to lash a independent female thinker, like say Opera Winfrey, to a stake and incinerate her would be a logistical nightmare! Quite apart from the inevitable prison sentence, public outrage and self loathing you’d face. However, we have all lived in a society that has developed based on those ideas. Yet these potentially disastrous life unions of two people who are yet to feel each others loving touch, and towns of people feeling intimidated, fearful or even condemnatory toward women of conviction, were once central issues of life in this part of the world. With this in mind, ask yourself; if a butterfly can change the course of history, what have these policies done to alter inter gender relations?
The stumbling block for the twenty first century man looking to improve his dating life is usually that the tips coming at us from all angles are women’s magazine idealistic versions of what women want. Versions like the all too familiar ‘I like a guy who’s romantic and wants to get to know me for me. He should be a gentleman who buys me gifts and also have a great sense of humour.’ Anyone ever tried going out, buying a girl a drink and asking her all about who she is and what she does? I have. It doesn’t work. See, while this may be what she looks for in a partner, boyfriend or husband; humour aside, these qualities are not what will spark her attraction to you. Luckily enough, unlike their much more aesthetically orientated counterparts, most of what women find attractive in a new man is unrelated to his looks.
In essence, what I’m saying is yes, sexually charged interaction can be tricky for the modern man. It is absolutely natural given our surroundings and experiences to feel pressurised. But with a little humility in admitting you struggle, and a little dedication in learning a new mentality – it’s amazing how quickly progress can be made.